For the last week, I have been reflecting on my two IVF cycles thus far. I went into IVF 1.0 full of hope and quite convinced it would work, not only that, I was hopeful of getting a good number of embryos to freeze "for later". To say the least, none of those things eventuated, I got sick with hyper stimulation, the clinic cancelled my transfer, and I was left with one "slow-poke" blasty to freeze. This felt like a fall from a very great height, and I was humpty dumpty (insert IVF egg joke here...).
To caution myself against a probable disappointment, I approached IVF 1.1 somewhat differently. I told myself that it probably wasn't going to work. Nice huh? So why was I doing it then? Because I secretly wanted it to work, so so much, but at least if it was a bfn, I would feel somewhat prepared for the news. Perhaps it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, that I had ended it before it had even begun, and also perhaps not.
What i AM convinced of now is that I didn't like what I was telling myself and putting out into the world. I was still teary and upset when the clinic called to confirm my results, no amount of girding one's loins can prepare you for that call, it really is the pitts. It's so pitt-like that I'm even considering asking DH to receive the news next time, and then pass it on to me.
After the inevitable pity party, I've been doing of soul searching in the days following the latest effort and I've realised that I don't like the person I've become. I've become anxious, negative, fearful of the IVF process, and here's the clincher....I've become joyless. Yes, there have been pockets of laughter and enjoyment, but it doesn't resemble my life. I feel like there are 2 people at war inside of me, and I would like to give up the struggle now, drop the proverbial rope, let go.
I'd like to be friends with myself again...
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You there! Cool chick with an awesome smile, I used to know you. You used to wear pretty dresses and delight in presenting yourself to the world. It's time to get re-acquainted.
Warmly,
Beatrix xo
I know how you feel. I went to my first psych appointment this morning, and at one stage she told me that I've got to stop being angry at my body for betraying me by not working properly, and start loving it instead.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with you on nothing being able to prepare you for bad news. I went into my recent fourth cycle thinking, "I'll be chilled and laid back, then if we get bad fert rates, no transfer, or no BFP, it won't be such a big deal". Didn't work though. I was very relaxed and barely even thinking about IVF during the stim part of the cycle, and thought, wow, I'm doing so well with this. But then... got depressed over only two fertilising again, anxious and sad when they slowed down, hopeful after one made it to transfer, and crushed at negative HPTs and AF arriving early. So now I know that even trying to just relax and not think about it doesn't work!
I hope you find yourself again soon. Good luck for whatever comes next for you. :)
Hi Helen, thanks so much for your comment, it's nice to know that someone out there is reading :)
DeleteIt has definitely been a steep learning curve for me in so far as how I emotionally react to the ups and downs. Four cycles for you must have been entirely exhausting, I take my hat off to you. I've scheduled a psych appointment next week for myself, and acupuncture this week. I'm pulling out all the stops in terms of coping, at least it will give me the illusion that I've got some things under control!
Take care of yourself and do what's best for you in the meantime :)