Time for a Shellac-ing!

One of the unexpected downsides to cycling with IVF (in my opinion) is the absence of nice things. Things which us girls do regularly to feel, well, girly! Awhile back, before starting down the ricketty bridge of ART, I read a blog post titled Things I have learnt from and about IVF, an honest to the bones account of one woman's journey thus far. Prior to reading this, I had immersed myself with information about what I shouldn't partake in whilst cycling, everything from dyeing my hair, drinking coffee and alcohol, eating acidic foods, to not spritzing myself with SJP's Lovely and exercising (you would have thought that last one would be the ultimate excellent order....not so Dear Readers!). So, up until this point, I had been compiling a mental list of sorts, the "probably shouldn't's", holding hands with the "better not's". Oh what a fantastic pair they made!

Actually they sucked. Big Time. Whilst I'm the first to say that I'm not a slave to scheduling regular appointments investing in my physical upkeep, when I do these things for myself every couple of months, it makes me feel happy, and dare I say, it's sometimes the little things which can be a catalyst for big improvements in mood and confidence. What was an infertile to do?

Read on, that's what, because along came the abovementioned blog post just at the right time to set me straight. It offered a different perspective on the idea that we have to accept all of the advice given to us regarding how we should live during IVF. Although the article didn't mention beauty treatments, I found a certain truth to the tone of what the author was trying to get across, and here's an example:

"There is really very little you can do

It’s good that some women find cutting out alcohol and coffee helps, or doing post-embryo transfer meditation, having acupuncture, giving up work, or any number of things that make them feel better from one minute to the next. (Giving up coffee may possibly help with implantation, but the improvement is vanishingly small.) But none of these things improves outcomes as much as not being fat, not being old, not being poor, living in the right local authority area, picking the right clinic, or, sometimes, just using a different drug or protocol."

So whilst I hedged my bets a little by avoiding coffee, not dyeing my hair and exercising, I feel better prepared for my next cycle to not be so damn neurotic about my day to day practices. It may just be the antidote to the accompanying nervousness and fidgets which seem like a package deal when you purchase an IVF treatment plan.

So, here is what I really wanted to say in this post but somehow got sidetracked by my stream of consciousness..

Today, I got a hair cut, dye job, tried Shellac for the first time, and got pampered at the beauty salon...and it felt bloody great!

 

Day 6

After a sleepless night filled with tossing, turning, praying, and cursing, DH and I made a sombre trip into our clinic. The nurse drew some blood, and I was told to go home, rest, and wait for their call to advise if there would be any further action that day, or if my first IVF cycle had come to a premature and heartbreaking end.

I did just this. I had resigned myself to the fact that there would be nothing more after this, and I had to start focusing my thoughts on dealing with what had happened, in the hope of finding courage to proceed with another cycle, hopefully a kinder one.

My thoughts were interrupted by a call from Dr. Awesome, telling me how disappointing this result was (no sh*t Sherlock), but I understood that it was all he could say. He advised that it may be an egg and sperm issue, and that we should reconvene in the New Year, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

Fuck...Fucketty Fuck...

Fine.

And Then...

My phone rang again. It was the nurses informing me that one little emby had been deemed worthy of freezing by the senior embryologist. Maybe my prayers had reached that little one and propelled it to keep going for whatever reason. Maybe not. Who knows, and who cares...we had our first frosty and it was the little glimmer of hope that was the beginning of my way out of the dark and gloomy postcode I had moved into.

I then got to speak to Paul, the senior embryologist who made the call to freeze the embryo. He said that it wasn't perfect, in fact it was borderline, but he had seen embryos like these make babies many times, and THAT, ladies and gents is how you give hope to someone. 

DH was suitably happy with this outcome, and I could start the process of grieving for my lost cycle. A process that took one month, which brings us to the here and now. There have been many days of sickness, soul searching, finance searching, and general melancholy since last I had contact with the clinic. I've been on IVF forums, spoken with friends, and strategised with DH. All this has helped me understand that they learn a lot from each IVF cycle we do, and although it was my first cycle, and a shitty introduction into the ART world, I believe that they can tweak my protocol for my next stim cycle to achieve a better result. Will it actually achieve a better outcome? That remains to be seen, but for now, I'm back in the game of life, exercising, sleeping well and medication free, and it feels fantastic!

Day 5 Report

Remember when I said on a previous post that I knew the result of my cycle? Well, this is the post I had been dreading writing since all of our hopes were dashed when the lab called back and said that none of our perfect day 3 embryos had grown enough to be considered for a transfer. 

This happened about a month ago, and I can only now write this without feeling the intense sadness that I felt on that day. I was heartbroken, the lab was baffled, DH didn't know what to say, and the nurses had the unenviable task of consoling me. So many questions raced through my mind.."Was it his sperm?"..."Was it my eggs?"..."Was it both?"..."Did the lab mess anything up?"..."Did I mess anything up?"...UGH! I collapsed in a heap and no one was home. This was the day I felt stupid about undertaking IVF. This was the day I felt that I would never become a mum. This was the day I hated my body, and finally, this was the day I felt a sense of hopelessness descend upon me, the likes of which I have never experienced.

My sustained and relentless crying was broken up by another call from the nurses, who had spoken with Dr. Awesome. They advised me to come in the next day for a possible day 6 transfer if the lab found an embryo that was suitable once another night had passed. IVF clinics routinely check the embryos on day 6 to make sure they've given the embryos enough of a chance to make it to a blastocyst. The other reason they wanted me to come in was to have a full blood count done, to check on those jerky estrogen levels.

I didn't think I would sleep tonight.....and I didn't.

Day 3 Report

The clinic called 3 days after egg retrieval to inform us that 7 out of our 9 fertilized embryos were doing excellent. What a relief! Our embies ranged from a Primary Compacting Morula (PCM) to others that had been classified as 6-10 cell Grade 1 embryos.

At this stage, I was still pushing the fluids through with the hope that I could make it to transfer. What I mean by this was I hoped my estrogen levels could come down far enough for my body to cope with getting pregnant, as once you're pregnant, your hormone profile increases even further and ladies with already high estrogen are more at risk of being hospitalised for OHSS. Of course, I didn't want this to happen, but I really wanted a transfer!!

The embryology technician explained that they usually leave the embryos alone on day 4 and check them on day 5, and to expect a 50% drop off as not all would make it to the day 5 blastocyst stage (the holy grail of growing IVF embryos. 5 day blasties have a higher implantation and pregnancy rate than day 3 embryos).